


Agony

by Sailingdreameater



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, I watched the latest episode and bawled like a baby, M/M, Season 15:episode 18-Despair, Spoilers, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:13:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27456283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sailingdreameater/pseuds/Sailingdreameater
Summary: A vent fic after the latest episode.Again, spoilers for Season 15:Episode 18-Despair.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	Agony

**Author's Note:**

> Didn't edit anything. So, if there are any errors, I'm so sorry.  
> Love  
> Sailingdreameater

It hurt something ugly inside. Cas’ words ringing in his head as the angel disappeared into the empty, taking with him Billy. Sam kept ringing and in Dean’s head, he knew he should pick up the call. God knows, his brother would think he was dead. But right now? Right  now, all he could feel was agony. 

Despair and agony. 

Seeing Cas just... Go like that broke something in him. It left him shattered. 

‘I love you.’ 

The words rang in his head in repeat. And it felt like a death sentence. He snorted, a glob of snot making its way out as he thought how it was exactly like in all those cliché movies. 

Sam rang again. He couldn’t move much less pick up the phone. And just like that he realized he played his part too. He didn’t say it back. 

Oh God! He didn’t say it back.

Just like that, he was back to sniffling and crying out loud. Grateful that Sam wasn’t here to see anything. He sat there for what seemed like hours. The number of times his little brother rang was starting to get on his nerves. But the second he decided to pick the phone up, fresh tears made its way known as he thought of just how he was supposed to convey the fact that- that-

Cas- Castiel was dead. For good. Forever. No revival. No return to 0 after death. Hell! Death was gone too. 

Nevertheless, he owed to his brother. He owed it to Sam. Cas was his best friend too. He was their only best friend. He was only his best friend.

‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’

Dean clamped his hands over his ears as if Castiel was screaming it down onto him in his true voice like he did all those years ago. He gasped out, chocking on his own breath. A panic attack right around the corner. There was nothing to stop the panic. Nothing to quell his fears and sorrows. Nothing to help him breathe. There was nothing. Just... Nothing. 

As he fainted, Dean wondered if this was how he was going to die. Not from monsters or God or Death itself. But from a broken heart. He wished he was numb and angry but his idiot of an angel was right. He did love a little too much to stop caring. 

He woke up later to yet another ring from his phone. Sam again. There were 24 missed calls and about  100 messages and he felt that familiar sting of guilt nipping at him but he deserved the solitude, damnit!

He picked up the call to hear the relieved sigh of his brother.

“Dean,” he whispered like it was a mantra to keep him sane. 

“Sam,” he answered and realized just how wrecked him voice was. There was silence on the other end than a sniffle. Dean was sure he heard a distant ‘no’ from Jack. He shook his head to compose himself. “Is uh-any-”

“No,” the soft wavering voice cut in and Dean’s hands shook. “There’s no one left.”

Dean nodded before realizing that Sam couldn’t see him and he mumbled a small ‘I’m  comin ’’ before cutting the call. 

He didn’t know when he got out of the bunker. Didn’t know when he got inside his car. Every step of the way, he was flooded with memories. At least he wasn’t crying anymore. That changed the second he saw himself the rear-view mirror. More accurately, his jacket. The arm where Cas’ bloody mark was left behind. 

He was back to sobbing. He rode around here and there searching for any sign of life. Anything at all. He was about to give up when he saw it. The big, fluffy thing that sat right there. He got out and walked towards the dog. It didn’t bark. Hell, it only jumped over him and wagged its tail excitedly.

“Okay,” he said as he pet it, cracking a smile for the first time since-

A whine caught his attention. The dog tried to get his attention as it pawed at him. As if it knew how he felt. 

“You know,” Dean began as he sat down there and pet it. “Your owner might be dead.”

The dog just whined a little more and rubbed against Dean’s hand a little more urging him to keep petting. Dean complied.

“Sam would love  ya ,” he said with a grin. “So, will Jack, I guess. The kid’s pretty much like  ya anyways. What they say bout birds an’ feathers.”

The dog panted and barked as Dean laughed too. Just like that, his smile dimmed and fell completely. His lips quivered from trying to keep the floodgates from bursting once more. Damned day just couldn’t get any worse. He’s never cried this awful or long in his entire life.

“Cas  woulda liked you too. The guy- hm- the guy was a softie for all things nature-y and shit,” he went on. The dog tilted its head and nudged its nose into Dean’s hand once more. Licking it and Dean only hid his face into the dog’s fur. The tears that slipped past the brim made its way into the fur and honestly Dean didn’t know who exactly he was hiding them from. There was no one left to judge him. 

‘I love you.’

“You know, I never said it back. How stupid is that? He made a  frickin ’ soap  outta that last- his last,” he broke off with a sob. 

There was nothing to heal the broken wound in his heart the size of a metaphorical Chrysler building. All he had left of the angel was the bloody handprint on his jacket. The only man-angel he’d ever love-loved and there was nothing to show for it. Just the memories. The memories they shared that he now had all to himself and no one else. 

“I loved you too,” he whispered to the skies above and wondered if maybe Cas could hear his prayers all the way there. The only person he’d ever pray to.

**Author's Note:**

> So.... I watched the latest episode and cried like a baby. This fandom meant a lot to me growing up. And Season 4 Episode 1 would always be one of my favourite, not to mention, one of the first few episodes I ever saw that got me into the show.   
> And my God did it make me cry to see Cas cry like that.


End file.
